|
Hot
Online Dating:
Advice
Saving
Face: Avoiding Embarrassment in Online Dating
I
want to place a personal ad, but I'm scared. What if
the person I'm writing doesn't like me when we meet?
What if my coworkers, friends or family find out I'm
using online personals? What if the person I'm writing
turns out to be a lying, cheating SOB? How do I know
if it's even safe to meet this person?
If
I've heard those questions once, I've heard them a million
times. Relax. Internet dating isn't all that much different
than any other form of dating; it just gives you a chance
to meet people you wouldn't ordinarily meet in your
everyday life. The vast majority of the people you meet
online are no different than you or I, or the people
you'd meet at the grocery store, the bus stop or the
park.
What
if the person I'm writing doesn't like me when we meet?
The
best way to deal with this is to just be completely
honest in your personal ad profile and subsequent emails.
I've heard from a lot of disappointed online daters,
and the number one complaint is that they feel their
date misrepresented him-or-herself. Many were annoyed
that their date used an old, outdated, or heavily altered
photo, and a few used pictures of someone else entirely!
Others were lied to about height, weight, age, marital
status, or jobs.
Often,
the bigger complaint was the fact that they were lied
to, not that someone was a few pounds overweight, had
a little less hair, or didn't have a high-profile, high-paying
job. I've been told several times, for example, "I
didn't care that she was a few years older than me,
but knowing she lied about it makes me wonder what else
she's lied about."
In
short, if you are honest when dealing with someone,
you won't have anything to apologize for later. You'll
know before you even meet that the guy you're about
to meet prefers a woman with real curves, or that the
woman you're about to meet thinks a receding hairline
is a kind of sexy.
Disclaimer:
This doesn't mean that you have to blurt out every single,
intimate, gory detail of your life before you even meet
someone. You're not a guest on "Revealed with Jules
Asner," so if you'd rather not discuss some highly
personal information, you don't have to.
What
if my coworkers, friends or family find out I'm using
online personals?
For
starters, there's nothing wrong with using online personals.
Period. The stigma of personals being the last resort
for the eternally desperate is fading fast, and normal,
everyday people know it's a great way to expand their
social circle.
Secondly,
how would they know you were using them, if they weren't
using online personals themselves?
What
if the person I'm writing turns out to be a lying, cheating
SOB?
There's
no way to guarantee that the person you're about to
meet is everything he or she claims to be, but there
are some ways to tell if someone is being less than
honest. Are they never available on weekends? Do they
only call from work and/or a cellphone? If they do call
from home, is everything kept very platonic, with only
"yes" or "no" answers? If it's long
distance, do they insist on meeting you at your place,
or somewhere in between? Do their facts just not line
up?
Disclaimer:
Some people who aren't lying, cheating SOBs do
some of the above as safety precautions, and some find
it more cost effective to only use cell phones and don't
have a land line phone at home. The above questions
are only meant to confirm suspicion, not rouse it.
How
do I know if it's even safe to meet this person?
When
in doubt, don't meet. If someone give you the heebie-jeebies
while you're emailing or talking on the phone with each
other, you do not have to meet face to face. Pay close
attention that the people you plan to meet aren't just
saying things that they think you want to hear. For
example, those who try to force intimacy: saying romantic,
sensual or sexual things before they even know you.
Hey, shouldn't you make sure you don't hate the way
someone smells before you start talking about love and
sex?
Even
if no heebies or jeebies present themselves, it's still
a good idea to plan your first meeting in a public place,
and let friends know where you're going to be and with
whom. It's often best to make the first date short and
casual, such as meeting for lunch or coffee, so if the
chemistry isn't there, you don't have to spend a lot
of time or money together. I found it best to meet people
as friends. If you're going into it with no expectations
beyond having lunch with a friend, how can you be disappointed?
So
you see? Internet dating isn't really that much different
than more traditional forms of dating, except that you
get a chance to know each other for a bit before spending
actual time together. There's nothing to be embarrassed
about that.
Saving
Face: Avoiding Embarrassment in Online Dating © 2003
Lorina.Net
Lorina is the webmaster and administrator of this site,
as well as numerous other online dating and personal ad
resources such as Dating
Advice Forums and Dating
Review. |
